Actual English names for Open小將 and friends： Part 1

 

Open小將

Supposed English name: Open-chan.

When's the last time you met someone named Open-chan? Sounds like a fake name to me.

Actual English name: The Colonel.

That’s not a magic wand, it’s a wand of death. And put on some clothes, pervert.

Don’t you find it a little curious that Open小將 has no shadow?

 

Lock小醬

Supposed English name: Lock-chan.

Give me a break. And I suppose we’re supposed to call the Minister of darkness “Fred” if he asks politely enough?

Actual English name: Colonel Mustard.

If 小醬 and 小將 are really arch-enemies, why do their names sound exactly alike? Why are you able to to get a picture of one by merely changing the amount of light and putting on or taking off a giant mustard stain on his hat?

But in all seriousness, if I was a kid I wouldn’t be able to draw a more frightening naked space dog cartoon character if I tried.

Favorite Lock小醬 quote: “Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.”

And that's what he sounds like when he's having a good day.

 

Please美眉

(Side-note: It took way too long to find a picture of Please美眉 where she is just standing there waiting to give you a hug and not bending over. You will find a picture of a swastika, after lots and lots of porn, before you find one. General pro-tip: do not try searching for pics of 美眉 in Google.)

Supposed English name: Please-chan

Please美眉 (no space!) is known by her friends as Pretty Please.

This is where I type something in and not make a comment about it:

Special Skill: “I love trying cosplay.”

Don’t worry, it’s not promoting antiquated gender roles or the hyper-sexualization of young girls (or worse) because her birthday is 2/14 of year not given. And everyone knows all guys love pink and purple. And, coincidentally, based on rigorous internet research, immortally young girls.

Actual English name: Colonel Kurtz, a.k.a The Heart of Darkness

Please美眉 has the power to use the phrase tee-hee three times in only two sentences. In other languages this dark art translates to her ability to type in the heart symbol (in addition to other symbols) in lieu of actual Chinese characters. Or, to put a positive spin on this, it may just point to some degree of illiteracy.

Select quotes come from here: www.open-chan.com/

Part 2 coming in the future because the past is hard to to get to.